Quality You Can Taste

Thinking too long about inconsequential things is my favorite hobby:

• Recently, I went to a Borders that had a sign next to the register that read, “For adult magazines, please ask for assistance.” This means that:
  (a) People have been abusing the porn section of the magazine aisle, and
  (b) The guys that go to that Borders and ask the cashier for Penthouse are simultaneously the most shameless people you’ll ever meet and also completely unaware of something called “The Internet”. This is both hilarious and scary.
• I really want to see a high speed police chase that takes place in a roundabout.
• All this talk about the reshuffling of the horoscope brought light to a new sign, Ophiuchus. I’ve heard that name countless times in the past week, but I still don’t associate it with the astrological sign because it sounds more like a rare plant, a skin disorder, an obscure Pope, a Macedonian king or a member of the Wu Tang Clan (I suppose the last three are interchangeable).
• When you’re talking over plans with someone and you utter, “K, so…..” you’re not only working out details, you’re also inadvertently talking about Mexican cheese.
• I just had my first ever awful experience with an outsourced customer service call center. I should have known something was up when I asked the guy his name, and he spelled it “Abhishek” but pronounced it “Ah, bullshit.”
• Has anyone ever had their cake and not eaten it too? If so, I want to punch them in the face for being a wasteful pushover. If you have a cake, eat it. That’s what cakes are for, dude! If people give you a hard time time because you want to have your cake and eat it too, it’s because they’re jealous they don’t have cake! Don’t let those assholes ruin cake time!
• Is it possible for an idiot to drive a smart car? Or will the smart car be like, “No. Stop. I got this. I’ll take you to the Ed Hardy outlet store. Just go to sleep or something.”

Thinking too long about inconsequential things is my favorite hobby:

• Recently, I went to a Borders that had a sign next to the register that read, “For adult magazines, please ask for assistance.” This means that:
  (a) People have been abusing the porn section of the magazine aisle, and
  (b) The guys that go to that Borders and ask the cashier for Penthouse are simultaneously the most shameless people you’ll ever meet and also completely unaware of something called “The Internet”. This is both hilarious and scary.
• I really want to see a high speed police chase that takes place in a roundabout.
• All this talk about the reshuffling of the horoscope brought light to a new sign, Ophiuchus. I’ve heard that name countless times in the past week, but I still don’t associate it with the astrological sign because it sounds more like a rare plant, a skin disorder, an obscure Pope, a Macedonian king or a member of the Wu Tang Clan (I suppose the last three are interchangeable).
• When you’re talking over plans with someone and you utter, “K, so…..” you’re not only working out details, you’re also inadvertently talking about Mexican cheese.
• I just had my first ever awful experience with an outsourced customer service call center. I should have known something was up when I asked the guy his name, and he spelled it “Abhishek” but pronounced it “Ah, bullshit.”
• Has anyone ever had their cake and not eaten it too? If so, I want to punch them in the face for being a wasteful pushover. If you have a cake, eat it. That’s what cakes are for, dude! If people give you a hard time time because you want to have your cake and eat it too, it’s because they’re jealous they don’t have cake! Don’t let those assholes ruin cake time!
• Is it possible for an idiot to drive a smart car? Or will the smart car be like, “No. Stop. I got this. I’ll take you to the Ed Hardy outlet store. Just go to sleep or something.”